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Writer's Notes - By Jeanne Dininni

 
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Amusing Musings - Writer's Notes

A Cure for Blogging Guilt?

March 16th 2009 19:03


A Fun Tool for the Guilt-Ridden Overworked Blogger

Karen Swim, at Words for Hire, recently penned an entertaining post, in which she introduced a fantastic tool for lazy…er, busy…bloggers who are willing to refrain (for at least a little while) from taking themselves—and life—too seriously. (To be perfectly accurate, she has partly penned and partly generated this post.) To see what I mean, check out Lazy or Creative? and prepare to smile.

Karen's post introduces an eminently—OK, amusingly—helpful standby for the blogger who may be having trouble keeping up. It's an automatic blog post generator that can help you easily (and often quite humorously) explain/apologize to your readers for your inexcusable blogging lapses. (It's about time someone thought of this!) With my own practically non-existent blogging schedule lately, I feel eminently qualified to take full advantage of this tool. (In fact, I thought that two apology posts created with this software would be the least I should offer my loyal, longsuffering readers, who certainly deserve two posts—and, at the absolute minimum, two apologies—for dealing with the dearth of content here at Writer's Notes lately). So, here goes!


This Lazy Busy Blogger's Automatically Generated Posts:

My first, more down-to earth, conservative version follows:

Goodness Gracious I just discovered I have not updated this since they invented sliced bread...You would not believe I spend all my time in front of a computer. I hope you still love me!*

I am absolutely consumed with work, personal projects, (and) just generally being a slave to society in general. (M)y day is full to overflowing from dawn to sundown and beyond. I am not complaining though. (But) I need a nap.

I won't promise anything to you, but I will make more of an effort to blog more often. Well, I'll try. What do you mean you don't believe me?


And here's my slightly zanier, or rather far more literary [cough, cough], version:

Abject apologies! I just opened mine eyes, and lo! I have not updated this since long before Shakespeare wast a boy...You would not believe my anguish at my misdoings. I prostrate myself in sorrow and beg thy forgiveness.

I am absolutely consumed with discovering time doesn't stand still, hoping you haven't found other blogs, (and) just generally being a doormat to my cats. (M)y day is passing in a blur from (the time) the light through yonder window breaks to whenever (I get finished). I am not complaining though. (L)ife is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get.

I declare solemnly I will try to remember my blog password more often in future. Truly! Unless of course the pool with the cocktail bar is heated!


Why not drop whatever you're doing and drop by The Lazy Bloggers Post Generator, where you can turn your blogging guilt into blogging fun!

Enjoy!
Jeanne

*In the interests of proper usage, I've made slight grammatical and punctuation changes to the two posts generated by the above tool. Added words and capitalizations are enclosed in parentheses, though I've taken the liberty of not indicating punctuation changes (which would have been awfully cumbersome--not to mention downright boring).


Did you enjoy this post? What do you think of such all-in-fun lapses in serious content posting? Do you consider this tool a dream-come-true for the busy (or lazy) blogger, or simply a way of letting off steam, eliciting a smile from readers, or assuaging a blogger's guilt when circumstances conspire against a regular blogging schedule? Perhaps a bit of all of the above? I'd love to hear your thoughts!



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A Fantasy of Epic Proportions

September 14th 2008 04:11


How Would You Like to Be Famous?

As writers and/or bloggers, most of us crave public attention--or perhaps it might be a bit more modest to say that we covet the attention of our readers, and the more we attract, the better. If we were really honest, though, we might even admit that we dream, at times, of what it might be like to be swept up in a wave of intense popularity--a wave so immense that the attention leaves us reeling.


Campaign Fantasy

In this election year, as we watch the candidates engage their public along the campaign trail, our own sensitive psyches can become so easily enamored with our secret dreams of fame and grandeur. So much so, in fact, that a part of us would readily receive an announcement such as the one depicted in the following video, which my brother recently (and somewhat deviously) informed me he'd found circulating on the internet about me:


NOTE: If the video isn't visible, please click either the post title (above) or the "Add Comments" link (below).



27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" WIDTH="384" HEIGHT="304">



Well (sigh), we can all dream, can't we?


Your Own Private Campaign Fantasy

What do you think it would be like to watch this video, with your name displayed in it, instead of mine? I can tell you, it was a very strange feeling from my vantage point! If you'd like to find out (or prefer to send this video to your friends and let them find out), visit this News3Online link. I guarantee that you (or your friends) will experience a very unusual reaction.


To your great--if short-lived--fame!
Jeanne


Did you enjoy this post? Have any thoughts? What do you think your reaction would be to receiving a message that this video was circulating the internet about you? Have you watched your own version of the video? If so, how did it make you feel? If not, do you plan to? Why or why not? Have you sent it to someone you know? What was this person's reaction?



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Do You Suffer From Obsessive-Compulsive Comment Disorder?

February 21st 2008 13:28

Bloggers Love to Express Their Thoughts!

Occasional comment compulsion is a common occurrence among thoughtful readers and bloggers, who do, after all, tend to become a bit more involved in the content they read than the average person does—and who tend to have a little more to say about the topics written about by other bloggers than the average reader does, as well. Such bloggers also (quite understandably) have a greater stake in the comments left on their own blogs than other people do. All of the above might be expected to create somewhat of a tendency for a blogger to get a little carried away with comments every now and then.

But OCCD is slightly different, a little more regular—or rather, incessant—than the type mentioned above. OCCD is a malady that can strike a blogger at any time—particularly when his or her mind is otherwise occupied—which can get in the way of rational thought.


OCCD Signs and Symptoms: How Many Do You Exhibit?

What are the symptoms of OCCD? Read on and see how many of them describe you.


Are you so into commenting that you

•Reply to a five-line comment with a five-paragraph response?

•Reply to a five-word comment with a five-paragraph response?

•Post blog posts in your comments box?

•Post blog posts in other bloggers’ comments boxes?

•Feel you have to comment on every single post a fellow blogger writes?

•Forget that the smiley face icon often means “not to be taken seriously” and go on and on with a serious response?

•Neglect writing posts on your blog because you’re too busy with marathon commenting?


If any of these scenarios describe you, it may be time to take a break!


Happy non-compulsive commenting!
Jeanne


P.S. I have to admit that, though the numbers may not be perfectly accurate, at one time or another, I've been guilty of every one of the above! How about you?




Did you enjoy this post? Have any other telltale signs of an obsessive commenter to add to those above? We'd love to hear them--really!



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Posted By: Jeanne Dininni - Category: Amusing Musings
   


Just Suppose: A Sports Spouse's Super Bowl Satire

February 3rd 2008 10:44

A Super Bowl Sunday Satire

In honor of Super Bowl Sunday, which has become somewhat of an American institution, I've decided to post a piece I wrote some years back--one which expresses a rather unconventional "perspective' on America's favorite sport and one which I hope will bring a few laughs to my readers--whether you happen to love the sport or the sportsman!


_____________________________



Just Suppose:
A Sport's Spouse's Alternative to the Super Bowl
By Jeanne Dininni



A Bright Idea!

One Sunday my husband and his friend Rod were watching a pre-Super Bowl game on TV. "What's so unusual about that?" you ask. Well, nothing, really--except that, from the kitchen, I could hear him ask Rod, "So, who're you gonna vote for?" Quaint way of putting it, I thought at first. But that deceptively simple question really got me thinking.

Just suppose...

Instead of making those poor guys go to all the trouble of actually playing the games, what if we simply held an election to vote in the most popular team? (This just might be the proverbial revolutionary new idea whose time has come.) In any event, it would certainly make life simpler for a lot of people.

Take the teams, themselves, for instance. Everybody knows that football is one of the most dangerous of contact sports. Think how many sports-related injuries could be prevented each year by the implementation of this new "scoring system." (Really. I do think I just might have something here.)


Kicking or Kicking Back?

And just think how much easier these same players would have it if they weren't forced to contend with the rigors (and almost legendary deprivations) of spring training. They'd no longer be required to "get in shape" for the upcoming season. Instead of perfecting kicking, they could practice kicking back. They'd be free to eat and drink whatever they liked and as much as they liked, to party as often as they liked, and stay out as late as they liked--all notorious no-nos during training. (At least, they'd finally be able to do these things without guilt.) And the incredible pressure to mentally outfox and physically outmaneuver the opposing team out on the field would suddenly be blissfully absent. What more could an athlete ask for? Sounds like "football player's heaven" to me.

Of course, there is the small matter of the "thrill of competition," which is, presumably, one of the main reasons players choose the sport to begin with. But, isn't facing off at the ballot box every bit as competitive as facing off on the playing field? Of course it is. I will concede, however, that winning an election might not be quite as thrilling as scoring that winning touchdown as the last seconds tick away on the clock (though George W. Bush might not agree with me on that one.) But life is full of trade-offs. We can't have everything.

And yes, there's also that little matter of the second reason so many athletic types become football players (or, for that matter, engage in any physically demanding sport): precisely because they are athletic types. They thrive on the rigorous, rough-and-tumble physical exertion inherent in the game. On this "score" I can only respond, with complete candor and (I think) a good deal of reason, that, whether they realize it or not, they're much better off displaying their physical prowess by adopting other, more innocuous (and even, perhaps, more productive) exercise regimens.

I can think of quite a few suitable activities for the displaced jock, myself, in fact. How about calisthenics? Isometrics. Jogging. Jumping rope. (They already do those?) Well, aerobics, then. As any woman knows, this form of exercise is very beneficial for the heart, not to mention the physique. (Oh, OK, scratch aerobics.)


Shining Examples of Responsible Manhood!

Better still would be mowing the lawn, washing the car, painting the living room, or building a deck. (These would truly endear them to all the sports wives of America, to whose husbands they would become a shining example of responsible manhood.) I will admit that these last four activities do lack a little something in the area of excitement, but (as any truly honest husband can tell you), this is more than compensated for by the unparalleled feeling of accomplishment engendered by their successful completion. (No?) Well, I suppose they could try mountain climbing. Or rappelling. Maybe skydiving?

At any rate, let's face it. It is in their own best interests to stop killing themselves (and each other) out there on the field. One hardly expects them to realize it, of course. People--particularly the proud and stubborn male of the species--rarely recognize what's good for them at the time. (We women have known that for centuries.) And someone has to make such decisions. So why shouldn't we women be the ones to do it? As I see it, men are simply too close to the subject to be expected to make a rational decision about it.
Now, let's be forthright about this. Even our own husbands' lives would be greatly simplified by the adoption of the new system of voting in the winning team--though they'd never admit it in a million football seasons.


A Penny Saved Makes a Happy Wife!

For one thing, they'd save a small fortune on all the tee shirts, caps, emblems, and other memorabilia that have become such an integral part of modern America's favorite sport. Not to mention the monumental mounds of fattening foods they compulsively consume during the pre-game shows, the two-plus-hour-long games, and the endless after-game commentaries. (This adds up to some serious snacking.)

The savings would be even greater for those who prefer to watch their favorite sport on wide-screen TV while sipping a cool one with their buddies at the local bar (with the added benefit of sparing many a domestic squabble arising from all those hours of elbow tipping.) And who could even begin to calculate the monetary value of the losing bets that slip through far too many foolish fingers each year on Super Bowl Sunday?

It is, of course, the truly fanatical football fan, the one who must actually attend the game in person, with all the varied (and considerable) expenses that entails (i.e., tickets, transportation, souvenirs, and yes, highly overpriced snacks at the stadium) who would realize the greatest savings of all. Think how much more money these guys would have to spend on more worthwhile endeavors (like changing the oil, buying new drapes or upholstery, or taking their wives out to dinner...dancing...the theater!)


Is There Life After Football?

And what about time? Imagine how much more the average armchair athlete could do on a Sunday afternoon if he didn't spend it glued to the TV set. He might take a placid stroll through the park, go for an invigorating jog, or pedal a bicycle for a few muscle-strengthening miles (that is, if he hasn't forgotten how.) It would work wonders for his health and fitness. Why, he might actually even venture out into the yard occasionally and toss a real, three-dimensional pigskin around for a while with his very own hands (and just maybe--wonder of wonders--with his very own kids!) That would certainly be a novel idea.

And just think--we heretofore longsuffering sports spouses might actually be able to enjoy, once again, a lazy, quiet, peaceful, and solitary Super Bowl Sunday, perhaps doing a little reading, working a crossword, or watching a meaningful movie--a women's movie...(sigh)...

"What's that, Dear? Yes, I'm making the shopping list for the Big Day. What was it you wanted again? Popcorn...Pretzels...Chips... Dip...Cold Cuts...Cheese...French Bread...

"For how many?!"

Oh, boy. Here we go again...


_________________________



Have a Great Super Bowl Sunday!

Thanks so much for reading my tongue-in-cheek look at the Super Bowl--from the perspective of the ever-patient, always-faithful, incredibly longsuffering sports spouse!

Hope the guys won't take this lighthearted piece more seriously than I intended but that they will receive it in the spirit of good fun in which it was written! And may each and every one of you enjoy a fantastic Super Bowl Sunday 2008! (Ladies, hang tough! It'll all be over soon, and your man will be happy you gave him permission to enjoy it! Just make sure he helps you clean up after the party!)


Go, Team!
Jeanne



Did you enjoy this post? Have any Super Bowl thoughts or experiences of your own that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear them!



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A Humorous Look at Life in the Internet Age

January 24th 2008 00:50

Life's Realities in 2008

The following is a copy of an e-mail I received today, which I believe most of us modern writers/bloggers--and even non-writers/bloggers--will be able to relate to. I don't mind telling you that it really had me chuckling. See if it doesn't do the same for you.


An E-Mail That Says It All!

Here it is:


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


Hopefully that little list brought a smile to your face, as it did mine. Perhaps it's even helped to bring a bit more perspective to your life, which is never a bad thing!

Here's to "progress"!
Jeanne



Did you enjoy this post? Have any 21st Century ironies of your own to share? We'd love to hear them!



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Posted By: Jeanne Dininni - Category: Amusing Musings
   


A Link-filled Blogging Tale

November 20th 2007 04:18

A Highly Entertaining Meme

I recently decided to participate in a really entertaining meme I found at Cindy Nichols' Kaleidoscope blog, in her post Art, LinkLetter Style. I thought it would be great fun, and I've finally managed to complete my contribution. I wrote my post slightly differently than Cindy did hers, using the titles of each blog or website in my Helpful Sites for Writers list. (I've also added a link to DCR Blogs, since Dan is the first blogger I've seen write this type of "linky" tale and he may very well have originated the idea. (Find out about it in Dan's Viral Stories How-To post. I have, in fact, written my post DCR-style, if you will.) Hope you'll enjoy it!


A Real Blog About Your Blog Story

One day I decided to visit the downtown office of the Blog Herald to talk to The Copywriting Maven about writing a Successful Blog. She immediately took out The Golden Pencil that she had won in a writing competition, and began scribbling like an AcaDemon. Soon, she spoke. “If you really want to Grow Your Writing Business and Get Paid to Write Online, you’ll have to learn â€Word Sell,’ which is a new language that will take you a long way Down the Writer's Path on your Freelancing Journey.” She certainly had my attention!

“Some of the terminology used in this new language may be unfamiliar to you,” she continued, “but you’ll get the hang of it soon enough by following my Daily Blog Tips.” Soon your Blogging Fingers will be doing some Confident Writing, and you’ll be a Pro Blogger before you know it.”

I was so curious, however, that I just had to ask about this Kaleidoscope of Web Writing Info and how it could possibly help me gather my Writing Thoughts into a Write from Home Blog that could churn out not only Constant Content, but Content Done Better. In fact, I wanted to know when All Freelance Writing I did would begin earning me a hefty piece of the Funds for Writers that are always there for the taking when you find the best Freelance Writing Jobs. I was gung-ho!

Well, soon the Maven realized how serious I was, so she decided to put me in touch with the “big guns”: her colleague Mrs. Write Right, Word Therapist.

“She should be able to teach you everything you need to know,” said the Maven. So, off we went to the office of this experienced Copyblogger who knew all there was to know about Good Word Editing. “She’ll teach you everything you need to know about My Way to Freelance. Just as I made a Passionate Blogger out of her, she’ll bring you into the Pro Bloggers Matrix, too, so you’ll Write Stuff that not only Writers Remember, but that Associated Content buyers will band together all in a Writers' Row for the sole purpose of reading, buying, and putting into their publications and on their websites. But you must realize that this will take dedication on your part. It won't happen overnight. It’ll be a joint effort between you and Mrs. Write Right. It’ll take A Writer's Words, An Editor's Eye, and some Blog Smart Resources to pull this off! Are you ready to get to work?”

How could I refuse? This was the chance of a lifetime! After introductions, my new mentor said, “We’ll get started first thing tomorrow morning.” Handing me a huge stack of books which had been written by a famous internet guru right at the peak of his highly successful career, she added, “Study these tonight. That will help prepare you for the work we’ll be doing. In this business, you need to be SEOAware, and that’s why you’ll find these Middle Zone Musings so helpful.”

I was so anxious to get started that I decided to check out a few pages before leaving so I could work on memorizing what I could to start "Writing the Cyber Highway" as I drove the five or so miles home.

On the way out, I met Sylvia, the receptionist, and stopped by her desk to say “Hi.” I recalled that it had been Sylvia's Insight About Freelance Writing that had kept my colleague Chris Blogging when he’d been ready to give up last year. Her encouragement and expertise had been just what he needed at the time. It had helped him become better able to Write from Home using the Pro Blog Design he’d previously had his good friend Randa Clay Design for him. He had then become so enamored with blogging that he and all his friends became Clicky Web Analytics, clicking on all the sites they could find to analyze the latest versions of their blog stats. Chris's friend, DCR Blogs for one of the well-known blogging networks.

As I left the office, I couldn’t help simply shaking my head in amazement. I had entered that building just a short while ago, my head filled with several years' accumulation of A Writer's Woolgatherings, and now here I was well on my way to learning everything I needed to know to begin an exciting and successful writing career.

And all because one of the experts had been willing to help me out! How lucky is that! That's one story that will definitely go down in this Writer's Notes!*


End of Story?

Well, there you have it, folks! That was my contribution to this really fun meme! Hope you enjoyed reading it! I won't tag anybody for this meme; but if anyone would like to participate, I guarantee you'll enjoy yourself immensely! If you do, write a story, using as many links from your sidebar as your imagination can handle; and also, please link back to this post and/or this blog. Then, don't forget to drop back by and leave me a comment, so I'll be able to check out your post.

Happy creative linking!
Jeanne

*Just had to throw that one in!



This is not a sponsored post.








Did you enjoy this post? Want to join in the fun? Join the meme! Or, at least, leave a comment! We'd love to hear your thoughts!




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A Blog Less Traveled, But Definitely Worth a Visit!

November 16th 2007 06:04

A Freelancing Road--Less Traveled Perhaps--Yet Highly Entertaining!

Just thought I'd pass along these links to two very entertaining posts I've just discovered at the Freelancing, My Road Less Traveled blog of Kerith Collins. I think you'll enjoy them.


A Lighthearted Look at Language

For the Writer in All of Us is a poem about the English language that any writer and/or editor will be able to relate to. It discusses the inconsistencies and indiosyncrasies of this wonderful, yet often equally confusing language of ours which we endlessly attempt to weave into flowing streams of meaningful prose--effectively illustrating just how much of a challenge that can sometimes be. I truly enjoyed it, as I believe you will, also, if you'll take a few moments to check it out.


Some Intimate Insights Into the Ironies of Illness

10 Fantastic Tips to Get Influenza to Ruin Your Blogging Career will also strike a chord with most of us, as we read and relate to this writer's lighthearted look at a serious topic. We've all been in the place where illness has impacted our work, and Kerith's great sense of humor, along with her excellent sportsman-like perspective, as she shares her ironic advice for making sure that influenza will spread like wildfire through your home--effectively preventing you from carrying out your blogging responsibilites--is bound to leave you smiling and nodding your head in agreement.

Check out these two entertaining posts, written by a newcomer to the blogging scene, who knows how to connect with her readers through her insightful posts about experiences that most, if not all of us, can relate to.

Enjoy!
Jeanne



This is not a sponsored post.







Did you enjoy this post? Visit Kerith's blog, yet? Stop back by and let us know what you think!



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A Kaleidoscope of Intriguing Content

September 27th 2007 07:59

A Very Gracious Blogger Shares Some Link Love

Cindy, at Kaleidoscope, penned a very gracious post about my Alienation ABCs blog post, linking to both my blog and my alienation post; so I thought I'd return the favor and send a little link love her way, since her blog (appropriately) contains a fascinating kaleidoscope of content, which is sure to bring a smile to your face or make you think. Many thanks, Cindy, for spreading the word about my post! I truly do appreciate it!


A Kaleidoscope of Content

While not specifically related to writing, Cindy's blog provides a welcome break from routine writing tasks--a few entertaining moments of rest and relaxation amid the rigors of the writing life--helping to renew your inspiration and igniting that spark of imagination that can refresh your viewpoint for your next project.

One post that I found especially entertaining was "Dear Tech Support", a post which humorously equates wives with computer software. Check it out. Very imaginative!

Another funny, philosophical post is Dust If You Must.... If you hate housework as much as I do, you'll love this one! You'll truly appreciate the permission it grants you to do other, more important things instead!

The Sky Was on Fire contains two breathtaking sunset photos captured in Cindy's backyard, and for all you lovers of nature's beauty, is definitely worth the price of admission!

For the Christians among us, Cell Phone vs. Bible will definitely get us thinking about where our priorities lie!


A Little Bit of Everything

Cindy's blog has a little bit of everything: posts to make us laugh, posts to make us smile, posts to make us cheer, photos to make us ooh and aah--and much more. It's a safe place to kick back and relax at the end of a trying day--or even in the middle of one--and simply enjoy some entertaining, inspiring, or thought-provoking content.

Check out Kaleidoscope. It just might be the lift you need to get you through the day!

Enjoy!
Jeanne







Did you enjoy this post? Have anything to add? Your comments are always welcome!


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Alienation ABCs: Alienating Bloggers through Content or Alienating Bloggers through Comments

September 22nd 2007 07:34

Alienation ABCs

I've been tagged by Yvonne Russell, at Grow Your Writing Business, to write a post giving my tips for making other bloggers hate you and driving your readers crazy. Check out Yvonne's own list in her highly entertaining post on the subject, Tips to Make Other Bloggers Hate You - Comment Crazy. I think you'll not only mentally savor the delicious dish of sarcasm she skillfully serves up, but that you'll also totally relate to the points she makes, as you recall some of your own blogging misadventures.

Are you back yet? Good! Didn't I tell you her post was great! And now, without further ado, I present my list of tips and techniques, which, if conscientiously followed, will help you successfully alienate bloggers and non-bloggers alike, causing them to avoid your site like the plague. (It's OK, though, because you'll be revealing your superiority in this way, which is critically important to you in achieving the greatness you obviously deserve.)


My List of Blogger Alienation Techniques

1. Whenever you visit another blog, look for as many errors as you can possibly find there and point them out publicly every chance you get. Be sure to leave them in comments, discuss them on other blogs, and even mention them in your own posts. (Better still, devote an entire blog post to them. After all, it's important for everyone to know that you knew they were wrong. And, of course, we all know that you've never made a mistake yourself.) Be sure that you don't contact the blog owner privately when the error is significant. He or she might think you were too unsure of yourself to mention it publicly.

2. Copy other bloggers' content and post it on your own blog, passing it off as your own, as often as you can. After all, similar content is floating around all over the internet, so no one will ever know. Since it happens often enough that two bloggers just happen to innocently write about the same topic--and sometimes even say much the same thing about it at roughly the same time, no one will be the wiser; and even if they are, they won't be able to prove a thing.

3. "Adopt" a breaking story that you read about on another blog, but don't give the other blogger credit as your source. After all, that blogger and blog are your competition. Who would expect you to credit your competitor with providing your "product" for you? And besides, if that blogger got the info from yet another blog (and was foolish enough to admit it--and link to the other blog, no less), what's to stop you from bypassing that blog completely and going back to the original source? And why shouldn't you? The original source is the one that counts, anyway. And who would know?

Besides, why gum up the works with too many links? (Everyone knows how time-consuming it is to create a lot of links.) And wouldn't things become too confusing with so many different credits? It's simply a more efficient method of creating blog posts--and it doesn't confuse your reader with too many facts!

4. Never write posts on your own blog either commending or recommending other blogs or bloggers. That should be your regular rule of thumb. It's a sure way to lose your readers to them! By writing posts that highlight the knowledge or expertise of other bloggers--particularly those in your own niche--you make yourself seem less knowledgeable or talented than the blogger you are plugging.

And by sharing "link love" with other bloggers, you are laying out the red carpet--or is it the "flying carpet"--that makes it devilishly easy for your readers to "fly the coop." Wouldn't you much rather have a captive audience--to the extent that that's possible on the internet, anyway. (Since it's already so easy for readers to click away from your page, why make it any easier for them?)

5. Always be argumentative and unpleasant when leaving comments on others' blogs. Forcing bloggers to defend their positions regularly will keep them on their toes. (They'll thank you one day.) And, if nothing else, when they've deleted your comments as spam, you can go around bad mouthing them behind their backs--which should obviously make you look better, while casting doubt on their sense of fairness in refusing to air honest debate on their blogs. In fact, be sure to be downright rude every chance you get; it will show them who's really in charge, earning you their deep, if grudging, respect.

6. Never recognize, appreciate, or thank your readers, even when they leave comments on your posts--and especially when they are other bloggers who leave comments on your posts. In fact, don't even bother to reply to their comments. After all, you've already given them enough by deigning to share your extreme wisdom with them via your sterling blog posts. The least they can do is comment, after all you've done for them!


Are You Ready to Take Charge?

Well, my list is a trifle shorter than Yvonne's was: only six items here. But, I think I've covered each tip fairly extensively, so I'll let it go at that. I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not you have what it takes to be a take-charge blogger--a blogger who knows exactly what's required to show the world who's the best: YOU!


Do You Have Any Alienation Inducing Tips to Share?

I won't tag any specific bloggers to write on this topic, but I will invite any who would like to write about it to feel free to do so. (If you do, be sure to let me know in comments and link to this blog post.) Anyone else who has any tips on this topic is also welcome to share your ideas with us in comments. We'd love to hear them!

Satirically yours,
Jeanne







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Show 'Em Who's Boss: Leadership Techniques for the Truly Superior

August 1st 2007 16:58

The following article is a humorous look at those techniques many of us resort to--often subconsciously--in our attempts to be successful. It applies equally to writers, business people, and other humans who share a common interest: the desire to succeed. Enjoy!


Show 'Em Who's Boss, or How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

Here is a list of 30 helpful tips on how you can reveal to the world the vast inner resources you possess, rising above the mire of mediocrity and reaching a pinnacle of success previously only dreamed of.

Get angry at least once a day. If "blowing up" doesn't come naturally to you, this may take a little practice. But, be patient. In time it will become second nature to you. The reason this technique is so important is that it will teach people to take you seriously. It will also discourage them from resisting your superior ideas, "suggestions," and "recommendations." Never underestimate the value of this simple technique in setting the appropriate "tone" for all your interpersonal and business relationships.

Be hyper-critical. Never fail to point out the faults of others at every possible opportunity--preferably in public and the more people around, the better. This not only keeps people on their toes, but also shows that you have real insight into the inner workings of the human psyche.

Be a blamer. After all, you know that whenever anything goes wrong, it's always their fault. So, why shouldn't other people know it, too? Otherwise, they might actually think it was your fault--and that certainly couldn't be the case! And why shouldn't they themselves know it when they're wrong? You wouldn't want them to go along thinking they were doing a good job, now would you? That just wouldn't be fair to them.

Be uncompromising--never give in! This will demonstrate your strength, giving you the upper hand in any situation in which you may find yourself. And we all know that control is a very important component of leadership. If you hold out long enough, eventually others will see that you are right--or at least they'll go along with your superior ideas--even if reluctantly. This will, of course, benefit them in the long run, though they may not be able to see that--or perhaps just won't admit it--right now.

When in doubt, rationalize. You can always think of a good reason for everything you do or want to do, if you try hard enough. Be creative. This is what "separates the men from the boys": the ability to convincingly call all the relevant arguments to your aid, at a moment's notice, whenever they are needed. With a little practice, you'll become an expert in no time.

Be sarcastic. It's the easiest way to add impact to your words. The best authors use it as a literary device, don't they? And, I might add, a very effective one, at that. If the literary world recognizes the value of sarcasm, why don't we? This technique has exceptional potential for highlighting not only your supreme command of the English language--but also your commanding superiority over other people. Utilize this technique and watch them cringe in your awesome presence!

Be unappreciative. After all, the world owes you! You're completely deserving of every good thing that comes your way. In any event, gushing gratefulness is very undignified! And there's certainly no reason to give people the impression that you need them. Besides, they obviously had an ulterior motive for their generous actions, anyway.

Be cynical. Anybody who has any sense at all knows that people simply can't be trusted. Only the truly naĂŻve believe otherwise. They are the only ones who don't seem to realize that the world is out to get them. You, on the other hand, are way ahead of the game, since you recognize the stark reality of this truth.

Be an expert on other people's motives. You've been around the block a few times. And you're one of the few who's smart enough to know exactly where other people are coming from and precisely what they're thinking. They can't fool you. And this is the way it should be. After all, you know how important it is to "look out for Number One"!

Be a "challenger." Never let anything go. Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt for any reason. This would be a real sign of weakness. Be sure to confront people every time you think of something you have against them. And never fall for the myth that it's better to wait for a more appropriate time to discuss it. What better time could there ever be than right now?

Be suspicious. People always have ulterior motives for everything they do. If they tell you otherwise, don't believe them. They're lying. "Judge now; ask questions later." That's always the best policy. All truly confident individuals do this. If you don't watch out for your own interests, don't expect anyone else to.

Never praise, encourage, or compliment anyone--or better yet, do the opposite. You wouldn't want to give them a swelled head or (gasp!) foster the erroneous impression that they're better than you are. You have to watch that kind of thing. People just don't know how to take a compliment these days. They blow it out of all proportion. You're far safer to avoid the problem altogether--though every now and then, a well-timed 'put-down' can prove invaluable in pride prevention.

Never fail to compete! Everyone knows that this is the only way to rise to the top. This cooperation business is for the birds! People never get ahead that way. In fact, that's the perfect way to remain just one of the crowd for the rest of your life. So, get busy! Show 'em who's the best: You!

Never indulge in self-evaluation. You're fine just exactly the way you are. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. They're just jealous, that's all. Besides, it's a waste of time and mental energy to sit there analyzing yourself when you could be out there doing something. You've heard the phrase "paralysis by analysis." Don't fall into that trap!

Be a "reminder." Never fail to say, "I told you so." Otherwise, how will people ever learn anything from their mistakes? And how will they ever realize just how much you know or how smart it would be to listen to you? When they do something wrong, be sure to throw it in their faces regularly. It builds character. And, goodness knows, they need it!

Be a "name-caller." If they do something stupid--well, that's just who they are. There's absolutely nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. Always tell it like it is. They deserve it!

Always ask "What's in it for me?" Never do anything from purely altruistic motives. Only losers do that. Selfishness is nothing more than self-preservation, and the self-preservation instinct is only natural. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. So don't let anyone trick you into believing that there is.

Always operate on the "favor-for-a-favor" principle. This is only fair. Besides, you wouldn't want people to get into the habit of expecting favors all the time. That could really get out of hand. People are always ready to take advantage of your generosity. So make sure you keep track, and always remind them when they owe you one.

Never forgive or forget. Always hold people accountable for everything! This is only right. After all, they did it, didn't they? How will they ever learn, if you always let them slide? Seriously, this is one of the worst things wrong with the world today: too much forgiveness! People don't have any strength of character anymore, any moral fiber! They have no resolve to stand up for what they believe in. I just don't understand it.

Be envious of others. You know you deserve what they have far more than they do! Other people just haven't realized it yet. But, they will! Just give it time. Before you know it, the world will recognize your superiority and you'll be amply rewarded, at last.

Be uncommunicative. When others try to coax you into conversation, clam up. Keep your ideas to yourself unless it benefits you to express them. If you talk less, they'll learn to appreciate what you say more. Give them the "silent treatment" whenever you really want to impress on them the seriousness of their transgressions. Their sins will shout to them in the silence. Everybody likes the "strong silent type," anyway.

Never admit to being wrong--and never say "I'm sorry." It's a sign of weakness. If you've made a minor mistake, ignore it. If you've made a major mistake, see previous advice. Just bide your time. It'll blow over. If someone confronts you about it, deny everything. If they catch you red handed, make an excuse--any excuse--or better still, try to turn it to your advantage. Make it look as if you were actually doing something commendable when circumstances turned against you.

Never show affection. People might just come to expect it. And you certainly wouldn't want that to become a habit! It could become quite an embarrassment. Just think of it! People might actually expect you to give them a hug--or, heaven forbid, a kiss--and maybe even in public! You need to avoid that scenario, at all costs!

Be possessive. You've worked hard for everything you have, and you deserve to keep it! Let them get their own! Generosity is highly overrated. Why own anything, for Pete's sake, if you're going to be giving it all away! What ever happened to the all-American principle of "private property"? This is one of the concepts that made America great!

Be an opportunist. Never fail to take advantage of others at every opportunity. Do unto others before they do unto you! You know they're just waiting for their chance to get you! So beat them to the punch, and you'll be the one to come out ahead.

Never fail to use flattery when it suits your purpose. People love to hear how great they are! In fact, they're invariably so happy to hear it that they rarely stop to think about whether or not it's true. You don't have to believe it--just say it. (If it makes you feel better, cross your fingers behind your back.) Honest compliments just don't do the trick. Flattery is simply one more technique in your arsenal of self-betterment tools that can help you reach your goals, and that makes it OK.

Be an "authority." After all, why should you waste your vast knowledge and experience? Others sorely need to hear it, anyway. So be sure to offer your opinion regularly, even--or maybe especially--when people don't want to hear it. Whenever they think they don't need your advice, that's when they actually need it the most. It's for their own good.

If you absolutely must give, give anything but yourself. You have to draw the line somewhere. If you start going soft, who knows where it might lead? People might actually come to expect sensitivity--and expect it all the time! Then you'd really be in trouble! So, keep your distance, keep your perspective, and keep people from taking advantage of you. You'll be glad you did.

Never fail to manipulate and control others. This is the only way to direct your own destiny, to reach your fullest potential, to truly become great. You can't expect other people to help you get ahead unless you can skillfully coerce them into doing so. They don't have your best interests at heart, nor do they have any stake in seeing you succeed. It's a "dog-eat-dog" world out there, and it's every man for himself! So take control!

And finally, never ask, always tell--and never, never say "please." If you expect to get ahead, to be taken seriously, to have people look up to you as a competent leader, and to have any credibility at all with them, it is absolutely critical that this aspect not be neglected. It is by this technique, perhaps more than any other, that you establish the air of authority that will make it easy to maintain your superior status.

This self-centered approach isn't very difficult to master. It's easy, really, once you see that it's a logical extension of the basic human instinct of self-preservation. And, with a little practice, you, too, can be well on your way to success in no time.

A word of warning, however: This method is so powerful that its systematic application is guaranteed to result in some degree of alienation from those individuals who are the targets of its insightful techniques. Therefore, anyone who actually enjoys pleasant, honest, and open interaction with other people on a mutually respectful basis, should not attempt these techniques under any circumstances. They obviously weren't meant to be leaders.

This time-tested approach is intended only for those of us who do not view isolation from the inferior masses as a bad thing--those of us who know that it's always been lonely at the top. We realize that this is simply the price we must pay for being superior, and we can handle it. We're strong. We are true leaders. And we've always been loners, anyway.

If you've always dreamed of getting ahead in life, this approach just might be for you.

Why not try it? But,be prepared...

It works every time.


Facetiously yours,
Jeanne



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It's Father's Day! Some Helpful Links for Writing Dads

June 17th 2007 06:56

Thought I'd follow my "tradition," started this Mother's Day when I posted some links for writing moms and...well...since it's Father's Day, thought I'd give dads equal status and post some links for writing dads.

Here they are, in no particular order:

The Writing Dad

The Mark Lawrence Blog

Adventure Dad

The BlogFathers: Dads You Can't Refuse

Where Boys Fear to Tread

Child's Play x2

Genuine

Not for Profit Dad

Relaxed Parents

Fatherhood

Daddy Types

How to Be a Good Father

This Next Blog

Best Father's Day Quotes

Father's Day: Thoughts to Inspire All Men

Working Fathers' Quest for Balance

Hope all you writing--or reading--dads will find something interesting, amusing, helpful, or fun here to help round out your Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all dads everywhere!


Till next time,
Jeanne


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A Few More Quotes on Critics & Criticism

May 19th 2007 08:57

Here are a few more great quotes on writing critics and writing criticism, just in case you could use another dose of humor, wisdom, irony, or wit. Some of these literary tidbits are serious, some hilarious, some straightforward and some oh so barbed--but all are worth the read!

The best thing you can do about critics is never say a word. In the end you have the last say, and they know it. ~Tennessee Williams~

The critic should describe and not prescribe. ~Eugene Ionesco~

The only really difficult thing about a poem is the critic's explanation of it. ~Frank Moore Colby~

I don't read my reviews, I measure them. ~Joseph Conrad~

Critics of literature have the same essential function as teachers of literature: this is not to direct the judgment of the audience, but to assist the audience in those disciplines of reading on which any meaningful judgment must rest. ~Mark Schorer~

Critics sometimes appear to be addressing themselves to works other than those I remember writing. ~Joyce Carol Oates~

People ask you for criticism but they only want praise. ~W. Somerset Maugham~

When I have to praise a writer, I usually do it by attacking his enemies. ~H.L. Mencken~

One of the greatest creations of the human mind is the art of reviewing books without ever having to read them. ~G. C. Lichtenberg~

Ideal dramatic criticism is unqualified appreciation. ~Oscar Wilde~

Criticism can be instructive in the sense that it gives readers, including the author of the book, some information about the critic's intelligence, or honesty, or both. ~Vladimir Nabokov~

And, finally, for any writer who may need a bit of an antidote to criticism, here's a list of some great ingredients to mix together to make your elixir:

Confronted by an absolutely infuriating review it is sometimes helpful for the victim to do a little personal research on the critic. Is there any truth to the rumor that he had no formal education beyond the age of eleven? In any event, is he able to construct a simple English sentence? Do his participles dangle? When moved to lyricism does he write "I had a fun time"? Was he ever arrested for burglary? I don't know that you will prove anything this way, but it is perfectly harmless and quite soothing. ~Jean Kerr~

Here's to the writing life--despite the critics!
Jeanne


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Critics & Criticism: A Writer's Perspective

May 18th 2007 23:51

They say that everybody's a critic, and to a certain extent this is very true. And if true for the average person, it is even more so for the writer. To a writer, criticism is a fact of life! Those who might not be able to do any better themselves simply love to pick apart every paragraph...every sentence...every phrase...every word written--as long as it's written by someone else!

But, what else should a writer expect? After all, we, as writers repeatedly make ourselves vulnerable to the whims and caprices, the opinions and judgments, the beliefs, perspectives, and presuppositions of every individual who reads our work! By boldly putting our thoughts, ideas, feelings, and opinions out there for all the world to see...to evaluate..to weigh against their own experiences, their own feelings, and their own individual knowledge--as well as the wider body of knowledge, pseudo-knowledge, experience, and pure conjecture that surrounds us--we attract and even at times invite criticism.

But this is OK! We can take it--and hopefully we can at the same time learn not to take it to heart! Whatever their intent, our critics can teach us a great deal--as much about ourselves as they can about our work! If nothing else, they can teach us something about grace under fire...about turning the other cheek...about persevering despite all odds...and about transforming temporary failure into ultimate success!

So, let's say Thanks to critics everywhere! If nothing else, they give us the determination to keep trying...to continually challenge ourselves...to steadily improve our skills. And, if all else fails, they at least give us one possibly unintended gift: publicity!

Here are a few enlightening quotes by famous writers on critics and criticism:

A man must serve his time at every trade save censure--critics all are ready made. ~Lord Byron~

A dramatic critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned. ~George Bernard Shaw~

A good writer is not, per se, a good book critic. No more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender. ~Jim Bishop~

Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good. ~P.G. Wodehouse~

Those who write ill, and they who ne'er durst write,
Turn critics out of mere revenge and spite. ~John Dryden~

The good critic is he who narrates the adventures of his soul among masterpieces. ~Anatole France~

Nature fits all her children with something to do,
He who would write and can't write, can surely review. ~James Russell Lowell~

Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. ~Ambrose Bierce~

Every good poet includes a critic, but the reverse will not hold. ~William Shenstone~

To literary critics a book is assumed to be guilty until it proves itself innocent. ~Nelson Algren~

A bad review by a man I admire hurts terribly. ~Anthony Burgess~

Time is the only critic without ambition. ~John Steinbeck~

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise. ~Noel Coward~

Writing criticism is to writing fiction and poetry as hugging the shore is to sailing the open sea. ~John Updike~

The main use in criticism is in showing the manner of man the critic is. ~Frank Moore Colby~

And, finally, this gem:

I never read a book before reviewing it. It prejudices me so. ~Sydney Smith~

Hope these quotations, from some of the best writing minds that history has produced have made you smile or chuckle...consider or reflect. I always find it fascinating to read the differing viewpoints of a whole array of writers on a single specific topic--and the more intricately related to the writing craft, the better!

Till next time,
Jeanne



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Cleverly Contemporary Quotes on Motherhood

May 13th 2007 15:05

Here they are--just in time for Mother's Day! Some more-or-less contemporary quotes about that great vocation (not to be confused with great vacation!): Motherhood!

Motherhood in all its guises and permutations is more art than science. ~Melinda M. Marshall~

Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. ~Erma Bombeck~

We honor motherhood with glowing sentimentality, but we don't rate it high on the scale of creative occupations. ~Leontine Young~

The art of motherhood involves much silent, unobtrusive self-denial, an hourly devotion which finds no detail too minute. ~Honore De Balzac~

The central paradox of motherhood is that while our children become the absolute center of our lives, they must also push us back out in the world.... But motherhood that can narrow our lives can also broaden them. It can make us focus intensely on the moment and invest heavily in the future. ~Ellen Goodman~

Combining paid employment with marriage and motherhood creates safeguards for emotional well-being. Nothing is certain in life, but generally the chances of happiness are greater if one has multiple areas of interest and involvement. To juggle is to diminish the risk of depression, anxiety, and unhappiness. ~Faye J. Crosby~

Of all the haunting moments of motherhood, few rank with hearing your own words come out of your daughter’s mouth. ~Victoria Secunda~

The most consistent gift and burden of motherhood is advice. ~Susan Chira~

The passion of love is essentially selfish, while motherhood widens the circle of our feelings. ~Honore De Balzac~

The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous, involving and utterly tedious, all at the same time. The world is full of women made to feel strange because what everyone assumes comes naturally is so difficult to do—never mind to do well. ~Anna Quindlen~

The problem, thus, is not whether or not women are to combine marriage and motherhood with work or career but how they are to do so—concomitantly in a two-role continuous pattern or sequentially in a pattern involving job or career discontinuities. ~Jessie Bernard~

When you reach the end of your rope, don't add guilt to your frustration. No one said motherhood was going to be easy. ~Heather King~

Happy Mother's Day to Mothers Everywhere!


Your Creative Cohort,
Jeanne



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Some Apt Quotes By Writers About Writing

May 9th 2007 11:55

Writers, as a rule, tend to have a great deal to say about many subjects--and writing is no exception. Here are a few pearls of wisdom on the writing craft from some of history's most prolific authors:


There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. ~Red Smith~

Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out. ~Samuel Johnson~

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. That is too much of a temptation to the editor. ~Ring Lardner~

Writing is a wholetime job: no professional writer can afford only to write when he feels like it. ~W. Somerset Maugham~

The secret of popular writing is never to put more on a given page than the common reader can lap off it with no strain WHATSOEVER on his habitually slack attention. ~Ezra Pound~

Better to write for yourself and have no public than write for the public and have no self. ~Cyril Connolly~

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by people who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. ~Don Marquis~

In composing, as a general rule, run your pen through every other word you have written; you have no idea what vigor it will give to your style. ~Sydney Smith~

Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long while to make it short. ~Henry David Thoreau~

There are no dull subjects. There are only dull writers. ~H.L. Mencken~

You can write about anything, and if you write well enough, even the reader with no intrinsic interest in the subject will become involved. ~Tracy Kidder~

The wastepaper basket is the writer's best friend. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer~

When I sit at my table to write, I never know what it's going to be till I'm under way. I trust inspiration, which sometimes comes and sometimes doesn't. But I don't sit back waiting for it. I work every day. ~Alberto Moravia~

It's not wise to violate the rules until you know how to observe them. ~T. S. Eliot~

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. ~Mark Twain~

The secret of good writing is to say an old thing a new way or to say a new thing an old way. ~Richard Harding Davis~


Well, dear Aspiring Writer, now that you've read all this practical advice, all these clever witticisms, and all these words of inspiration penned by wordsmiths who have actually accomplished what you may only dream of, there's only one thing left for you to do if you'd like to join their ranks: WRITE!


Literarily Yours,
Jeanne



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