Just Suppose: A Sports Spouse's Super Bowl Satire
February 3rd 2008 10:44
A Super Bowl Sunday Satire
In honor of Super Bowl Sunday, which has become somewhat of an American institution, I've decided to post a piece I wrote some years back--one which expresses a rather unconventional "perspective' on America's favorite sport and one which I hope will bring a few laughs to my readers--whether you happen to love the sport or the sportsman!
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Just Suppose:
A Sport's Spouse's Alternative to the Super Bowl
By Jeanne Dininni
A Bright Idea!
One Sunday my husband and his friend Rod were watching a pre-Super Bowl game on TV. "What's so unusual about that?" you ask. Well, nothing, really--except that, from the kitchen, I could hear him ask Rod, "So, who're you gonna vote for?" Quaint way of putting it, I thought at first. But that deceptively simple question really got me thinking.
Just suppose...
Instead of making those poor guys go to all the trouble of actually playing the games, what if we simply held an election to vote in the most popular team? (This just might be the proverbial revolutionary new idea whose time has come.) In any event, it would certainly make life simpler for a lot of people.
Take the teams, themselves, for instance. Everybody knows that football is one of the most dangerous of contact sports. Think how many sports-related injuries could be prevented each year by the implementation of this new "scoring system." (Really. I do think I just might have something here.)
Kicking or Kicking Back?
And just think how much easier these same players would have it if they weren't forced to contend with the rigors (and almost legendary deprivations) of spring training. They'd no longer be required to "get in shape" for the upcoming season. Instead of perfecting kicking, they could practice kicking back. They'd be free to eat and drink whatever they liked and as much as they liked, to party as often as they liked, and stay out as late as they liked--all notorious no-nos during training. (At least, they'd finally be able to do these things without guilt.) And the incredible pressure to mentally outfox and physically outmaneuver the opposing team out on the field would suddenly be blissfully absent. What more could an athlete ask for? Sounds like "football player's heaven" to me.
Of course, there is the small matter of the "thrill of competition," which is, presumably, one of the main reasons players choose the sport to begin with. But, isn't facing off at the ballot box every bit as competitive as facing off on the playing field? Of course it is. I will concede, however, that winning an election might not be quite as thrilling as scoring that winning touchdown as the last seconds tick away on the clock (though George W. Bush might not agree with me on that one.) But life is full of trade-offs. We can't have everything.
And yes, there's also that little matter of the second reason so many athletic types become football players (or, for that matter, engage in any physically demanding sport): precisely because they are athletic types. They thrive on the rigorous, rough-and-tumble physical exertion inherent in the game. On this "score" I can only respond, with complete candor and (I think) a good deal of reason, that, whether they realize it or not, they're much better off displaying their physical prowess by adopting other, more innocuous (and even, perhaps, more productive) exercise regimens.
I can think of quite a few suitable activities for the displaced jock, myself, in fact. How about calisthenics? Isometrics. Jogging. Jumping rope. (They already do those?) Well, aerobics, then. As any woman knows, this form of exercise is very beneficial for the heart, not to mention the physique. (Oh, OK, scratch aerobics.)
Shining Examples of Responsible Manhood!
Better still would be mowing the lawn, washing the car, painting the living room, or building a deck. (These would truly endear them to all the sports wives of America, to whose husbands they would become a shining example of responsible manhood.) I will admit that these last four activities do lack a little something in the area of excitement, but (as any truly honest husband can tell you), this is more than compensated for by the unparalleled feeling of accomplishment engendered by their successful completion. (No?) Well, I suppose they could try mountain climbing. Or rappelling. Maybe skydiving?
At any rate, let's face it. It is in their own best interests to stop killing themselves (and each other) out there on the field. One hardly expects them to realize it, of course. People--particularly the proud and stubborn male of the species--rarely recognize what's good for them at the time. (We women have known that for centuries.) And someone has to make such decisions. So why shouldn't we women be the ones to do it? As I see it, men are simply too close to the subject to be expected to make a rational decision about it.
Now, let's be forthright about this. Even our own husbands' lives would be greatly simplified by the adoption of the new system of voting in the winning team--though they'd never admit it in a million football seasons.
A Penny Saved Makes a Happy Wife!
For one thing, they'd save a small fortune on all the tee shirts, caps, emblems, and other memorabilia that have become such an integral part of modern America's favorite sport. Not to mention the monumental mounds of fattening foods they compulsively consume during the pre-game shows, the two-plus-hour-long games, and the endless after-game commentaries. (This adds up to some serious snacking.)
The savings would be even greater for those who prefer to watch their favorite sport on wide-screen TV while sipping a cool one with their buddies at the local bar (with the added benefit of sparing many a domestic squabble arising from all those hours of elbow tipping.) And who could even begin to calculate the monetary value of the losing bets that slip through far too many foolish fingers each year on Super Bowl Sunday?
It is, of course, the truly fanatical football fan, the one who must actually attend the game in person, with all the varied (and considerable) expenses that entails (i.e., tickets, transportation, souvenirs, and yes, highly overpriced snacks at the stadium) who would realize the greatest savings of all. Think how much more money these guys would have to spend on more worthwhile endeavors (like changing the oil, buying new drapes or upholstery, or taking their wives out to dinner...dancing...the theater!)
Is There Life After Football?
And what about time? Imagine how much more the average armchair athlete could do on a Sunday afternoon if he didn't spend it glued to the TV set. He might take a placid stroll through the park, go for an invigorating jog, or pedal a bicycle for a few muscle-strengthening miles (that is, if he hasn't forgotten how.) It would work wonders for his health and fitness. Why, he might actually even venture out into the yard occasionally and toss a real, three-dimensional pigskin around for a while with his very own hands (and just maybe--wonder of wonders--with his very own kids!) That would certainly be a novel idea.
And just think--we heretofore longsuffering sports spouses might actually be able to enjoy, once again, a lazy, quiet, peaceful, and solitary Super Bowl Sunday, perhaps doing a little reading, working a crossword, or watching a meaningful movie--a women's movie...(sigh)...
"What's that, Dear? Yes, I'm making the shopping list for the Big Day. What was it you wanted again? Popcorn...Pretzels...Chips... Dip...Cold Cuts...Cheese...French Bread...
"For how many?!"
Oh, boy. Here we go again...
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Have a Great Super Bowl Sunday!
Thanks so much for reading my tongue-in-cheek look at the Super Bowl--from the perspective of the ever-patient, always-faithful, incredibly longsuffering sports spouse!
Hope the guys won't take this lighthearted piece more seriously than I intended but that they will receive it in the spirit of good fun in which it was written! And may each and every one of you enjoy a fantastic Super Bowl Sunday 2008! (Ladies, hang tough! It'll all be over soon, and your man will be happy you gave him permission to enjoy it! Just make sure he helps you clean up after the party!)
Go, Team!
Jeanne
Did you enjoy this post? Have any Super Bowl thoughts or experiences of your own that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear them!
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Comment by Lillie Ammann
Your idea is great except for one thing - it just might destroy the economy! Super Bowl is probably a huge part of our gross national product.
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
Boy...never thought of it that way before! Guess it's a good thing I was only kidding!
Jeanne